‘Grief is spelled with an o, but for me, it’s with an a’

On a spring evening, Carl goes for a walk with his wife, Babette. They are hit by a van. Babette is severely injured and passes away. She donates her organs, thereby saving multiple lives. Her husband, Carl, talks about this life-altering event, the farewell, and the difficult time that followed.

A love that began by a tree

‘Babette and I fell in love when we lived together in a student house. The spark flew by a tree in the Drunense Duinen, a nature reserve where we often went for walks and picnics.’

A fatal accident

‘We were together for 26 years. That came to an abrupt end when we were walking the dog on a sunny evening. I heard a van coming up behind us, but we were walking well to the side. Suddenly, I felt my hand being pulled up and saw Babette flying in front of me. The van had hit her. I saw immediately that it was very bad. In the hospital, they determined that her brain had been irreparably damaged by the impact. Her chance of survival was zero.’

She wanted to donate her organs

Carl and Babette were both registered as donors and knew this about each other.

‘Babette and I were both registered as donors; we knew that about each other. Donation was brought up quickly, and shortly after, two organ donation coordinators came to have conversations with the entire family. Everyone was 100% behind the donation. Our son, who was 12 at the time, only had trouble with her heart. He said: that’s where I am. But he understood what donation entailed and ultimately agreed.’

A careful and respectful approach

Carl felt heard and well-supported during the donation process.

‘We were involved in everything, and everything was explained very well. No one was pushy; there was also room to say no. We were allowed to accompany Babette to the operating room. The surgeon also said: soon you will see 6 ambulances waiting at the back exit. That was the case. The logistics are beautifully arranged, and it is good to be prepared for that.’

The feeling that she is still close by

‘In my feeling, Babette detached herself from her body immediately after the accident. She is still present, but her soul has been ripped from life. That there is something after our life is a reality for me. There is more than what we experience. Whether you are Catholic, Buddhist, or Muslim, we all say the same thing: the soul goes on a journey.’

"Grief is raw"

Carl describes his sorrow as raw and lonely.

‘Grief is spelled with an o, but for me, it’s with an a. I have lost the person I loved with all my soul. It is a raw process. You are suddenly thrown into it; you have to do it alone in every aspect. In my circle, I have experienced a lot of awkwardness and distance. In the beginning, it feels like you are a leper, while you actually have a need for contact and comfort.’

Her organs save lives

‘Babette was very full of life. She was a healthcare psychologist in rehabilitation, and for the last year, she worked in pulmonary rehabilitation. In that light, it is a pity that her lungs were too damaged by the impact for donation. However, her heart, kidneys, pancreas, and liver were transplanted. After 6 weeks, we heard that all the transplants were successful.’

Her death has helped others

Carl knows that Babette’s donations have saved lives. Yet, that does not (yet) feel like comfort.

‘Ultimately, it will help that I know those people can now live thanks to Babette’s organs, that she lives on a little bit. So far, that is not yet a comfort to me. That others are happy with her organs does not soften my pain. Only when I am through the grief can I look outward more and see what Babette meant to those people and how that fit into her life.’

Back to the tree every week

‘I still go to the tree in the Drunense Duinen every week. It is truly our tree. A year after Babette’s passing, her parents and sisters also planted a tree for her in her hometown of Voerendaal. Colleagues also planted a tree for her. A beautiful symbol.’