"You couldn't give a greater gift to someone who is so ill."

‘Nienke was full of zest for life. She adored her boyfriend and had just started her first job. Everything was going well,’ says Gerda. This had been preceded by a period when things were not going as well. ‘When she was in high school, she would sometimes not be entirely present. She would drift off for a moment. It was dismissed as something psychological: they said she didn’t want to grow up. She was also often tired. I sometimes thought: child, get off that couch... Only later did they see a tangle of blood vessels on scans of her head that was pressing on her brain. That was causing her epilepsy. The neurologist warned: if you get a severe headache, you must call immediately.’

Future

In the spring of 2023, Nienke stopped by home briefly on her way to see her boyfriend. "She was curt and had a headache," says Gerda. "Later, she started vomiting and fell into a coma. She had never told her boyfriend about the risk of the tangle of blood vessels or her epilepsy, but he reacted well. The ambulance came and she was taken to the hospital. I arrived there myself late that evening in a panic." It turned out to be very serious: Nienke had suffered major brain damage. A conversation with the doctors followed, in which Nienke's future was outlined. Gerda: "She would no longer be able to speak or live independently. No one would wish that for her. A thought did flash through my mind: if she survives this, I still have my daughter. But that was a selfish thought."

Sung

"It was a bizarre time in the hospital," says Gerda. "All those decisions, the ventilation, the machines—it was all so surreal. But despite the intense grief, there were also beautiful moments. For example, my other daughter sang for Nienke, with my son, the family, and her boyfriend around her bed. The doctors and nurses listened from the hallway. They were moved." When organ donation was brought up, Gerda remembered what Nienke had once said. "Not her eyes, she didn't want that, and not her heart, because that was for her boyfriend. In the end, she donated to six people, and all the transplants were successful."

So sweet

At the hospital, the family received excellent support. "Everyone was incredibly kind to us. We were given all the time we needed to say goodbye. Nienke’s boyfriend and I were also allowed to stay overnight at the hospital. The organ donation coordinator had explained everything clearly, and we knew that her organs could also go to children, because Nienke was the right size for that. Everything was handled with care and respect. And when we got her back after the surgery, you couldn't see a thing."

Circle around

Nienke's funeral fell on the anniversary of her father's death. Gerda says: "He passed away when Nienke was three months old. Actually, that coincidence is quite beautiful, as if a circle had been completed. I wondered if she would recognize him up there." Her farewell was beautiful, Gerda says: "There were a great many people at the condolence and the funeral, and we received an incredible amount of mail and visitors. It was unbelievable."

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Shortly thereafter, thank-you letters arrived from two adult recipients and from the parents of a child. "The letters did me good," says Gerda. "Those parents, for example, had a terminally ill child and wrote that there was now a prospect of a future again. It is quite significant what Nienke was able to do for others. It makes her death feel less meaningless; that way, I can take something good from it. Because it is very unfair, such a young girl with a bright future... Then you might as well grant that future to someone else. You cannot give a greater gift to someone who is so ill. What is strange, though, is that six people now have a living part of her. Because of that, I sometimes feel a kind of jealousy, although that is not the right word. But if Nienke hadn't donated, those people might have died."

Rhythm and structure

To avoid being overcome by grief, Gerda established a strict routine. "Two weeks after Nienke passed away, I started going to the gym every day—except Sunday—at 8:15 a.m. It helped me keep rhythm and structure in my days, stay active, and clear my head. I also started talking to the 'gym instructors.' Friendships developed with two of them. Aside from the structure, the contact with them helped me enormously."